Tumultuous. That’s the only way you could describe the last ten years of Jay Reed’s life. He’s gone from single to engaged to single to married to divorced. Throughout the up-and-down decade, God worked in Jay’s life and moved him from “part-time” Christian to a man fully engaged with Christ.
Jay’s parents went through a messy divorce when he was 13. Jay often played the “messenger” between his parents, hearing many hurtful words his father said about his mother along the way. At his father’s urging, Jay later moved out of his mother’s home, in order to build a closer relationship with his dad. Jay knew this hurt his mom. So, he spent the next 30 years doing everything he could to make the women in his life happy in a fruitless effort to make up for the pain he caused his mom.
Jay was understandably fearful of repeating his parents’ mistakes in his own relationships. His first attempt at marriage ended before it began when the engagement was called off in 1997. At the time, Jay was a self-described, part-time Christian – changing churches often and never investing in relationships with the Lord or other believers. In 1998, Jay met another woman and married a year later. Soon, they had three kids. With a good job, Jay provided for his family and felt things were going well. What he realized later is that in his obsessive preoccupation with his wife’s happiness, he neglected his own spiritual health.
That happiness began to fade when Jay was laid off in 2004. He told his wife they’d have to make some lifestyle changes, and that caused a lot of stress in their marriage. They lived off his severance and a few consulting jobs during his job search. Jay says he did not lead well during this chapter of his life. “I didn’t live my faith on a daily basis,” said Jay. “I was part of a Bible study, but didn’t really study God’s Word, or pursue accountability. I lived by flesh, and it wasn’t rewarding.” Then in 2007, Jay’s mom passed away unexpectedly.
Shortly thereafter, Jay’s wife filed for divorce. Jay says he did everything he could to save the marriage; but, to no avail. “We went to three counselors, trying to find the answers, rather than turning to the Lord. I knew divorce was not the answer, and I sometimes wonder what would have happened if we’d gone to something like Watermark’s ReEngage ministry.” Attempts at reconciliation failed, and the couple divorced in 2008. After the divorce, Jay was at his lowest point. “I felt like a victim. I wasn’t a fun person to be around.”
A business colleague who was also divorced understood Jay’s pain and encouraged him to go to DivorceCare at Watermark. At Watermark he met many other single parents with stories like his. He also met leaders like Richard McCauley, Scott Michael and Wes Butler who encouraged Jay to let others care for him. Jay had always lived to make others happy, so allowing people to minister to him was a transforming experience. Jay learned to take his anger and sadness to the Lord and move toward forgiveness, using the Bible as his guide. He finally talked to God through prayer, not as a husband or father, but simply as a man, saved by grace, who wanted to know his Heavenly Father.
As Jay grew spiritually, he also learned more about what leadership really meant. Jay got involved with Summit Men’s Bible Study and a community group, where he experienced greater accountability. Inspired by the godly men in his life, Jay began investing more time leading his children spiritually – praying with them and memorizing Scripture. “It’s important that my kids see my faith through my actions. Community and application of God’s Word – specifically James 1:19 – have taught me what it really means to lead my family.”
Today, as a leader in DivorceCare, Jay says, “it’s a privilege to serve the newcomers. I listen to them and share the process I’ve gone through. I’m grateful for the opportunity to share my story, and to say that divorce is sometimes the equivalent of giving up. And through Christ, forgiveness and reconciliation are possible. I wish I had friends who’d held me accountable and told us that. It might have made a difference. Today, I see reconciliation and forgiveness changing people’s lives when they become open to the possibility of what God can do.”
“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” – James 1:19
CURRENTLY SEPARATED OR DIVORCED?
DivorceCare, an informational support group for people who are separated or divorced, is aimed at encouraging real, biblical healing. Our next session begins Tuesday, September 7, at 6:30 pm at the Watermark Building on the 4th Floor. Register at www.watermark.org/events. DivorceCare for Kids also available. Details at watermark.org.
