Matt and Sonja McCuen’s marriage hit a brick wall in 1997 – right at the “seven year itch”. From the outside, they looked picture perfect – a nice house, nice cars and two successful careers. But behind closed doors, it was a different story. “We just weren’t connected. We rarely fought, but avoided conflict completely. I was leading financially, but nowhere else in our relationship. But your paycheck doesn’t matter much in your marriage, if your wife doesn’t really like you.”
Sonja and Matt met at Samford University in Birmingham, Alabama. Sonja, who’d been a follower of Christ most of her life, hoped to find a husband with a strong faith. She was crazy about Matt from the get-go; but, after three years of dating, questioned whether she and Matt were on the same page spiritually. “I couldn’t see the fruit of a strong faith in his life,” said Sonja. “My parents are divorced, and I feared that I’d repeat the pattern if we weren’t both committed to following Christ. Because of these concerns, we actually called off the relationship for a while.”
Putting their relationship on hold actually made Matt take a closer look at whether his faith and priorities matched up at all. “I grew up in a church where there wasn’t any accountability or discipleship. For the first time, someone I cared about put her relationship with Christ above her relationship with me. I spent some time with a friend who had a strong faith. He helped me see that I needed to put my relationship with Christ first. Soon, Sonya noticed the change in my life.”
Sonja and Matt agree that their first few years of marriage were very special. “We moved around during those years, and that gave us an opportunity to build a relationship together, independent of our families of origin,” said Sonya. “But over time, the pressures of two busy careers crept in, and we lost focus.”
In 1997, Sonja’s career was going very well. She had a great job and was enjoying the travel, recognition and praise. “My job felt a whole lot more glamorous than laundry, dishes and playing housewife. The environment at work was exciting, and it felt great to be appreciated. Although everyone was married, there was a whole lot of flirting, and as a woman on the team I received a lot of attention. As a result, I got really wrapped up in myself, and began to feel like my job and my career were more important than him. Things came to a head when I was offered a promotion, which meant moving to New York.”
The couple went through weeks of dissention over the move, and Matt didn’t feel like he had anyone to talk to about it. His career was going well, and his job had the flexibility to make the relocation possible. However, he wasn’t willing to move with their marriage in a state of disconnect and conflict. Finally, after months of frustration and a miserable trip to New York together, Matt said he would not move to New York. The two flew home on separate planes, and Matt says he had no idea what Sonja was going to choose when she landed: her job or their marriage.
“I had totally lost perspective,” said Sonja. “I was completely wrapped up in my ambitions. Looking through the lens of self-focus, I lost sight of all the traits I had fallen in love with in Matt. God used a close friend of mine to get my attention. My friend reminded me of my primary role as a helper to my husband. And she didn’t want to talk to me anymore unless I stopped what I was doing to my marriage. It’s ironic, because I was in Bible studies at church; but, I got wrapped up in my own desires. Eventually, they became more important than God’s plan.”
Sonja declined the promotion, and gained some perspective on the impact of self-focus on her faith and marriage. “That began a season of healing for us,” said Sonja. “Although we’d fallen in our marriage, we had ‘fallen forward,’ and God eventually used our story to help minister to other couples.”
Sonja and Matt began the rebuilding process, studying God’s Word and serving together at the church they attended. When Matt hit a flat line in spiritual growth, he sought out a different church for their family. “The change was good because the emphasis on community and the teaching at Watermark challenged me. God has put me into a structure that allows me to lead my family. I’ve always brought home a paycheck and led at work, but I needed to know more about leadership at home. Once I understood I could lead my family by basing my life on God’s Word, our family became much stronger.”
Today, Matt & Sonja’s marriage is in a very different place than they were ten years ago. They celebrated 17 years of marriage last July with their three kids, Anna Kate (7), Lily (5) and Jep (3). They’ve been working with newly married couples and helping them build community by leading a Watermark Foundation Group.
“I was wrapped up in a culture that says leading your family means providing a certain lifestyle. As it turned out, Sonja simply wanted me to love her as Christ loved the church. Had someone grabbed me by the ears and told me that, I would have avoided a lot of trouble and frustration,” said Matt. “For a long time, I handled challenges in our marriage emotionally rather than Scripturally. I defaulted to what I saw modeled, rather than what God’s Word says. Leading a Foundation Group has allowed us to be honest about our mistakes so others can learn from them. And it’s made us even more committed to building a family identity in Christ.”
