Watermark Blogs

In high school, I was often teased for my appearance and being skinny. Born with a cranial facial syndrome called Treacher Collins, my lower jaw was pushed back, in an incorrect alignment and smaller than  my upper jaw. I also have absent cheekbones  and small nasal passages which affect my  appearance. At the time, though, I never  knew the medical reasons for the way I  looked; I thought God made me this way to  punish me for something I had done. With  poor body image and low self-esteem, I  thought friends only wanted something  from me like help with homework. I felt I  had to work or perform to get people to like  me. I did have a few real friends, but I kept  them at an arms length because I didn’t  trust people.

Growing up my parents had their own  struggles. I wanted to feel in control of my  circumstances and felt the need to handle  any situation life threw at me on my own.  We did not have a close-knit family and I  felt very isolated.

How did you come to know Christ Though I didn’t know it at the time, in junior high, a friend of mine had been  praying for me. She was part of a group at  school many considered “Jesus freaks”. I  kept my distance from them, not wanting  another reason for others to dislike me.  I went to church a few times as a kid but  didn’t understand who Christ was or why  He died for our sins. It had more of a  negative meaning to me, and I thought that  because Christ had to die for my sins, God  must be angry with me. My experience  with church only confused me more. The  call to repentance felt more like a threat —  come to God or else. Rather than love and  grace, I felt fear and intimidation.

By 18, I’d become depressed. My parents  were fighting more; I was made fun of at  school and didn’t know what to do with my  life. Struggling with thoughts of suicide, I hated myself and wanted the pain to end.  I knew God was there, but didn’t understand  who He was. I cried and prayed, “I can’t do  this by myself!” I told God that if He wanted  me to live then I needed His help. It was  then that I decided to figure out who Christ  was and what it meant to follow Him.

What shaped your view of community after Christ? After high school, I attended Texas A&M  University and joined the Corps of Cadets.  One of the older girls in the Corps, Dorothy,  had compassion for the freshmen girls and  held a Bible study. When I first accepted  Christ, I hadn’t told anyone. I was still  living in isolation. Dorothy answered my  questions and helped me understand that  Christ died for me because He loves me.  Even though I knew that God loved me, I  was still expecting or waiting for Him to  show me in some tangible way. In my heart,  I was still unsure what it meant to be loved  by God.

A lot happened that first year of college:  my parents divorced, a friend was killed,  and I had never dealt with the depression of  my youth. During this time my friends  rallied around me without expecting  anything in return. I was not used to  others loving me this way, and it really  became my first glimpse of real, biblical  community.

How have others continued to change the way you see Christ’s love? About three years ago I decided to get braces to fix my smile and appearance. While at the dentist he noticed a clicking in my jaw and suggested I see an oral surgeon. The doctors agreed that surgery was the best way to  get my profile corrected and teeth aligned. I  wasn’t sure that I could afford surgery and  didn’t want to make this all about my  appearance. I prayed about it and had come  to a place of accepting that I was fearfully  and wonderfully made. God loves me, and He  didn’t make me this way out of anger. Since  God called me good, I also needed to call  me good. Only after I came to this place  of acceptance of who God made me to be  did doors open for appointments to talk to  a surgeon about my options. I learned the  medical reasons behind my appearance and  was informed that I needed total joint  replacement surgery. Unfortunately, the  surgeon fees were more than I had saved up  for. During this time my community group  prayed, talked through options and cried  with me while I tried to figure out what to  do. Eventually I came to the conclusion that  surgery was the option God had for me. My  community group rallied around me and  decided to put together a progressive dinner  to help pay for my surgery. About 75 people  attended, and their generosity floored me.  Several people heard my story and came,  even though they had never met me.

In May of 2009 I had my jaw surgery. It  was complicated, and I had to stay in the  hospital longer than expected. Afterward, I  couldn’t do a lot of things for myself. I lost  a lot of weight and became very weak, and  God used this time to humble me in my  need for others and for Him. Once I was  home, my friends helped me — giving me  meals, rides and keeping me company.

God used that surgery to teach me about  His character. I’ve learned my worth is not  based on my actions but His love for me.  God has given me a fuller understanding of  love and friendship. I always saw love as  conditional — something I had to earn. But  God’s love is unconditional. He loved me  when I did not love Him in return. He helped  me see that through Christ, love is a free  gift you give someone, expecting nothing  in return. It’s been amazing to be unconditionally  loved by the people He’s put in  my life and to know that’s a reflection of  God’s true character.