Watermark Blogs

I lived much of my adult life acting like two different people: the person I had to be in my job as a pastor and the person I actually was. I was always taught to put my best foot forward and not talk about my struggles. But sometimes, what we’re taught isn’t what’s best for us. After years of living like two different men, it ended very badly. All I wanted was an escape.

Being Known

Tough times have had a way of being helpful in my relationship with God. My first year of college at the Citadel was like that. Although the Citadel’s traditions and the Corps of Cadets were attractive to me, I wasn’t prepared for the challenges. During that first year, God put people in my path who taught me what a follower of Christ really was, and  I eventually decided to trust Christ. God ultimately turned a horrible season into a sweet time with  Christ. I grew a lot during my sophomore and junior years, and God eventually called me into full-time ministry.

After graduation, I got married, moved to Dallas and began going to seminary. I later got a job as a pastor at a large Methodist church. In many ways, those years were full of sunshine and roses. We had two children, Leah and Jacob, and I had a lot of plans for my life in ministry – some good and some unrealistic. But I didn’t know that those plans would be shattered, and I would face the most difficult season of my life.

After about five years in ministry, I took a job at another church. From the beginning, it wasn’t a good fit. Over time, I struggled with depression, started looking at pornography, and began an emotional relationship with a woman who was not my wife. A rift developed in my marriage, and it worsened over time. I was in deep water but didn’t want to talk about it.

Like many people in ministry, I didn’t view church as a safe place to talk about struggles. I’d seen people give honest confessions only to be rejected and talked about. Terrified of being known, I presented the person others wanted to see. But living that way took a toll, and I started looking for an escape. At first I tried to get deployed to Iraq with the Army Reserve. A war zone seemed better than the way I was living. But instead I intentionally made some harmful choices involving alcohol that spelled an end to my job in ministry. After I confessed to my family and the church leadership, I was asked to leave the church. Against the advice of some godly men, I also gave up my credentials as a minister.

This began a time in the wilderness and of being spiritually directionless. For the next several years, I was confident that there was no room for me in God’s game plan. I’d grudgingly ‘suit up’ and go to church, but I was sure God no longer had any use for me. My time of wandering ended when my wife told me we would be getting a divorce. I had finally hit the bottom. It was then a friend told me about Watermark — specifically the DivorceCare ministry. He told me that what I needed was community, and that I’d very likely be met with a whole lot of grace. Although I struggled with being labeled ‘divorced,’ I went anyway. My kids also joined me at DivorceCare for Kids, a ministry for children affected by divorce. I wanted them to participate because I knew the divorce impacted their lives, and I hope they understood that it was not their fault.

I couldn’t have anticipated how the Lord would use these ministries to make a life-changing, God-orienting impact on my life. God helped me build a stronger relationship with my kids. He also connected me with people who would get “in the mud” and redirect me when I thought of testing the waters of tempation again. God also helped me take an honest look at my poor choices as a dad and husband that had led me to this point.

I came to the conclusion that for most of my life I’d been looking for a path that wasn’t there. There are only two responses to the things God asks me to do: a faithful response and an unfaithful one. I’d spent a lot of time trying to find a third response – one where I relied mostly on Christ, but not fully. That’s not a real option, and when I realized that being 100% faithful was my only option, things changed.

Lighting the Fire

One of the ways I wanted to pursue faithfulness  was to serve. I wanted a quiet act of service —  something I could do with my kids. One day, I  thought about the fireplace at Watermark. I knew  someone had to haul the wood, clean out the ashes,  and light the fire, so I volunteered to be that  person. My son, Jacob, enjoys helping to build fires,  so it was a great opportunity to work together.

Early one Sunday morning before the services began, I was cleaning the fireplace. Todd Wagner  happened to notice and stopped to say thanks for what  I was doing. He later mentioned me and several  others, as an illustration on serving in his message  that day. At first, I took it all with a grain of salt.  But later I thought differently.

God used that conversation around the fireplace to  show me that at some point He’d helped me suit  up and get back in the game. At one point in my  life, I was certain I’d never be used again by the  Lord. But God never intended for me or anyone  else to stay on the bench. He used this whole  painful process to put me in a new place to serve  and glorify Him. This spring, I was asked to serve as a leader in DivorceCare. This gave me an opportunity to care for people who were in the same position I had been in not long ago. In light of what we celebrate at Easter and for all that Christ has done for me, how could I pass up the chance to serve others in this way?

In many ways I feel like I’m still “in training,” and God  has a lot of work to do in my life. But one year  ago, I had no hope. And today, I’m hopeful about  what God has in store.

by Scott Wizeman