Watermark Blogs

When Denise Renken married in ’78, she thought it would last forever. But the relationship crumbled under financial stress and infidelity just four years later. Denise remarried in ’83, certain it would be different. But past hurts and her husband’s extramarital affairs led to divorce in 2000. The man Denise married in ’01 was radically different from previous marriages. He loved the Lord and eagerly invested in the health of their marriage. Which is astonishing knowing Denise’s husband, David, is the same man she divorced twice and married three times.

Life had been very unkind to Denise. Shuffled off to live with relatives after her heroin-addicted father beat her mom until she was confined to a wheelchair, Denise’s childhood was a blur of abuse and instability. One of her few happy childhood memories was living with her grandparents. Their home
was modest but peaceful – just a short walk from a small church. What Denise learned there would change her life.

“I learned that God cared for me enough to put His Son on the cross so I could have a relationship with Him,” said Denise. “Although I was young, I clung to the Lord, and He carried me through.” Denise spent her young adult years working in Dallas, where, in 1978, she met David Renken. He was smitten and pursued her until she fi nally agreed to a date. His recent divorce didn’t deter David from a whirlwind courtship, and the two married ten weeks after their first date.

“We were young and had no example of a godly marriage to follow,” said David. “My father was a weekend drunk and mom was cold and distant, so I though a lot about what I didn’t want for our marriage. But I never asked what God wanted.”

From the beginning, David and Denise both worked full-time and went to night school. Three years later, the pressures of work, school, finances and parenting began to take a toll. “My responsibilities felt like an anchor around my neck. I had no one to tell me how selfi sh I was, or that the extramarital
relationships I was engaged in would cost me everything.”

Denise was blind to what was happening. “I thought if I looked good, my house was clean and dinner was on time, I was a good wife. But I didn’t treat David with respect, and when the kids came along, I put them above everything. I assumed he was as committed as I was, but when I discovered the affairs, my heart was broken and soon the marriage was over.”

The two divorced in ’82, but remained connected. David continued to help with the kids and house – motivated by a desire for reconciliation. When he began talking about giving marriage a second chance, Denise agreed.

“Unfortunately, we didn’t receive sound, biblical counsel on how to restore the relationship,” said David. “I just thought that if we worked a little harder, that we wouldn’t fail again. But what I couldn’t see is that there was a sleeping giant in the room – my selfi sh heart which led to more unfaithfulness.”

Although they tried, nothing really changed. Through the years, Denise asked God to show her what she should do to help David. It took years to see that what Denise should do is focus on her relationship with Christ while praying fervently for David. Sadly, David’s self-destructive cycle continued until one evening there was a knock at the door. There stood one of David’s girlfriends, who’d come over to return things he’d left at her place. After years of unresolved conflict and mistrust, the betrayal was devastating, and the couple soon divorced.

“This was the first time I was confronted with the cause and effect of my unfaithfulness, and the hurt I’d caused,” said David. “I could no longer delude myself into thinking our problems were her fault.”

Later, alone in his apartment, David pleaded with God to take control of his life. That very night, David purged his home and computer of emails and phone numbers from women he’d had relationships with. Soon, David started spending time in God’s Word and taking part in a men’s Bible Study. He also joined a recovery program.

“Although I’d gone through the motions at church for years, I’d never really had a personal relationship with Christ. I became honest with God and the Christian men in my life – telling them exactly how I’d lost the respect of my wife and children. They helped me see the consistent problem in my marriages: me.”

As Denise moved forward with the divorce, she couldn’t help noticing the changes in David. “He stopped coming up with all the answers and started talking about God’s Word. That moved me because, although I didn’t trust David, I knew I could trust the Lord.”

The couple remarried again in May, 2001. Although their relationship is on solid ground today, it was definitely an uphill climb. David still deals with the pain his actions caused their children and relies often on Romans 8:1. Denise is learning to rein in her desire for control and give David the respect he needs to lead.

The Renkens also got involved in ReEngage, a Watermark ministry for couples desiring to reinvest in their marriage. “What took us 25 years of stumbling to discover, you can learn at ReEngage,” said Denise. “It’s all about having the full, enriched marriage that God intends. We’ve learned more about nurturing and enjoying each other. I wish this was around a long time ago!”

David describes the difference Christ has made in their marriage this way: “Years ago, home was the last place I wanted to be. I look forward to coming home today, because it’s where my best friend lives. God helped me focus on becoming a better child of His – becoming a better spouse came along as a result. I couldn’t be more grateful.”
ReEngage meets every Wednesday at 6:30 pm at Watermark Community Church. See our website for details.