Are We OK That It’s OK If Our Kids Are Not OK When We Want To Say You’re OK?
Do you know what I heard a lot when I was growing up? “You’re ok.” You know what I’m talking about: you fall down, scrape your knee and start crying- “You’re ok.” You fall off your bike in front of your friends and start sulking off- “It’s not a big deal, you’re ok.” Now, I completely understand the thinking behind this approach. When I fell off my bike and scraped my knee, it truly wasn’t the end of the world, and in the scheme of things I really was going to be fine. But do you know even to this day what my first response usually is when my husband asks me what’s wrong? Take a guess. I may have been on the verge of tears all morning and clearly bothered, but my default response is, “I’m ok.” Now, before I go any further, I would like to say that my parents are wonderful people. I love them dearly, and as an adult, I take full responsibility for needing to learn to say profound things like, “I’m sad” when I am sad But my point is, I think often times as parents we miss a valuable step in teaching our children the art of communication.
It seems to me we often skip the part where we help our kids learn the language to express how they feel about what they have experienced. It starts in the very beginning with even little things. For example, when my toddler falls out of his chair at the breakfast table, I can either try to bring a quicker end to the howling by giving him the “you’re ok” pep talk, followed perhaps by the “you’re so tough” affirmation. Or I can take thirty seconds to first ask him, “Did that hurt?” “Were you a little scared to fall out of that chair?” “Where did it hurt when you fell?” “Yeah, I can see why you’re a little upset. You know what though, I think you’re going to be ok…” It may sound like a very small, insignificant difference, but here’s why I don’t think it is. As adults, we have these wonderfully large perspectives, by which we know that the majority of the daily upsets and dings our kids experience are not really big deals. But children, with their wonderfully small perspectives, are not aware of this. And I think it’s a gift to little ones, to give them a moment to feel like little ones before we ask them to function within our adult perspective. It’s a bigger issue than the momentary sting of hitting the breakfast room floor. It’s creating a relationship where your child knows you care about how they feel, that it is ok for them to feel the way they do, and that you are there to help them handle their experience.
I recently found myself battling this with Noah, our five year old. He had been working with his legos (aka, the most valuable treasure in all the earth) at the table for some time and erupted in frustration as he failed to get the pieces together just the way he wanted. What I was tempted to say was, “They’re just legos.” Translation that even a five year old understands: “Legos don’t matter. You’re making a big deal about nothing. You shouldn’t be upset.” But legos do matter to him. And he’s not a weirdo for feeling that way- he’s just a five year old boy. Why would I make him feel like he was wrong for feeling like a five year old boy? It’s a much richer conversation asking him why it upset him and listening to him talk about how he’s not ever going to be good at building things. And in asking him more about that, I can help him understand that he thinks it makes him special to do things perfectly. And from that we can talk about how nobody can be perfect, only God is perfect. We can talk about things like the role of perseverance, and how we develop skill through practice. We can talk about how it’s ok that we aren’t the best at everything- we just need to be who God made us to be. And that best of all, we aren’t special and precious to God because how good we are but because He made us and loves us.
We best open up their hearts and minds to true perspective when we also help them understand and communicate their own perspective. Every kid, from toddler to teenager, wants to know that their parent understands what’s going on and cares about what’s going on. It’s an interesting dynamic for carrying out the Biblical call to bear one another’s burdens. Are we helping bear our children’s burdens or just convincing them that they aren’t burdens to begin with?
NEXT STEPS
Communication BreakDown
As you think about the ages, personalities and needs of your children, how are you doing in shepherding them through the process of understanding and communicating about what’s going on in their world? For helpful insight into the different stages our kids are going through and how you can equip yourself to parent well through them, plan to attend Training Camp for Parents on August 8. You can sign up and get information at watermark.org or pick up a flier on Sundays.
TIME OUT – 7.09