“Happily Ever After” Never Felt So… Gritty.
Once upon a time there was a girl with ferociously curly hair who had a tendency towards being strongly opinionated, which we will instead call “courageous independence.” And one day that girl met a boy (though at the time that “boy” was pushing 30, so “boy” might be a stretch. But for nostalgia’s sake we’ll go with it, ‘kay?) This crazy young couple fell in love, dated for 10 minutes and got married, so that they could live the blissfully ignorant life of ease whereby they did things like go out to eat, go to the movies and sleep in on the weekends whenever they wanted. If there was a fabulous last minute deal on a hot spot in Mexico- great! They went. When they felt like they really needed a weekend getaway they just up and did it, because let’s be honest- life without kids is really stressful and hard since you have no idea what you’re talking about. What I am trying to tell you about this incredibly good-looking couple is that they were crazy about each other and had a ridiculous amount of time to enjoy that fact.
Then there was move across the country and baby number one. Then there was move back across the country and baby number two. Then there was job change and baby number three. Now all of the sudden that “not-too-oldish” yet “not-so-youngish-anymore” couple is neck deep in kids, responsibilities and the realities of life that push and pull at them like a group of toddlers over a single piece of candy. I know you did not see this coming, but I am actually talking about Paul and me.
And we’ve had a really crazy time of things lately around the Stehlik house… everyone was sick for several weeks last month. Then we liked it so much we did it again this month. So there’s the slow descent into insanity that accompanies that whole scenario. Put that together with major changes in numerous areas of life, all colliding together simultaneously and you have the context for me sitting in our kitchen the other day as Paul walked by, and thinking to myself, “He looks vaguely familiar.” So as I was praying over what to write about this month I felt like the Lord said, “you’re the one who barely recognizes your husband… go from there.”
Well, I don’t feel that I need to argue the case that the state of our marriages plays a hugely formative role in shaping our kids. It would seem that every 12 seconds a study comes out validating that point. It is pretty logical that unhealthy marriages do not produce healthy kids. Most of us get that. So it seems the big question is, “How does the energy and effort that it takes to invest towards intimacy in your marriage translate into the craziness of day to day life with kids?” Because let’s be honest, the day to day demands are enough to suck all your energy right out the window well before lunchtime. So here are my big three ideas (and I’m going to get right on these as soon as I finish writing about it.)
1. Prioritize your spouse in your schedule. At the beginning of the week or the beginning of the day, when you are looking at all the things that you “have to do,” make sure you include as one of those “must dos” something done to build into your spouse. It may not cost you $15 in late fees like being late with the water bill, but not serving your spouse will cost you, your spouse and your kids in ways much more important than money.
2. Prioritize your spouse to your children. Do you take the time to regularly praise your spouse in front of your kids for specific things? Do you give your kids consistent opportunities through your words and your actions to see your love and commitment to your spouse? Or are you just two grown ups flying around, each doing a million things and hoping to catch a glimpse of each other over a cereal bowl in the morning?
3. Make the most of little opportunities. Full on date nights or weekends away are terrific, but some seasons of life don’t afford you the luxury of having those super frequently. You can still make the most of opportunities at home if you strategize a bit… plan a late candlelit dinner after the kids go to bed. Use time when your kids are playing at a friend’s house to sit on the couch together and catch up over coffee, instead of you cleaning the bathrooms and him changing the oil. Right now the wives are like, “Yes, Sarah, these are obvious and I can think of a dozen more off the top of my head.” And the husbands are like, “Could you list six more please.” The point is, let’s all get out there and show some effort.
I could go on and on about this, but I’ve got some ground to cover on loving my husband… starting with breaking the news from my new friend, the HVAC tech, that we need a whole new HVAC system. Ahhhh, I can almost smell the romance.
NEXT STEPS
Spend some time in Ephesians 5, asking the Lord to show you how you are doing at modeling the love of Christ to your family. Then plan a time when you and and your spouse can get away together and talk about how to intentionally grow deeper together.
If you have preschool children, have you signed up to receive the Starting Blocks PlayBook? It’s an easy way to build on what they are learning at church on Sundays with projects and activities you can do together with other moms or just with your kids at home. Sign up online by checking the PlayBook box HERE