It has been about a year since Kyle Kaigler first came to me and said, “Hey, I need you to write some funny but true stuff about parenting.” For those of you who have not taken Watermark History 101, I worked on staff for Kaigler in my previous life before having children. And anyone who knows Kaigler knows that once you work for Kaigler, you sort of always work for Kaigler. He is, in this way, a ministry mafia of sorts… but in a more “friends are friends forever” kind of way versus “The Sopranos” kind of way. All of this to say, I have been reflecting on the last year and some of the topics we have covered in this newsletter: help your child learn to communicate. Model thankfulness. Teach them what a life of mission is. Be diligent and consistent in training them in godliness… many things we should be doing as parents.

Well, I am shaking things up this month and suggesting that we spend a little bit of time considering what we should NOT be doing as parents. Fortunately, my behavior this past month in particular has been super helpful in giving me material for this topic. To get the ball rolling, let me share a few parenting tactics that have not worked for our family:

1. Set unrealistic expectations for your children and then be frustrated with them when they do not meet those expectations. For example, try taking two preschool boys from store to store for HOURS, where they are not allowed to touch things, play with things, run off, be silly, chase each other… in short, they are allowed to stand there. Quietly. All morning. Call me from store number three, and let me know how that works out. What am I saying is, you can’t afford to take your eye off the ball for a minute at that stage of the game. Two average preschoolers could bring down an entire store in the length of a phone call. On second thought, just smile and remember every word you say will very likely join your little ones’ vocabulary. See also my five year old’s response to a spilled box of crayons recently: “Oh Lord, why!!!!”

2. Try to get your child out of his whiny, negative mood by snapping and barking at him. The hypocrisy is particularly stunning when you combine a scowl of frustration with something like, “You need to have a sweet attitude.” I don’t know in this scenario if I am the pot, the kettle, or the potato peeler, but I know it’s not good.

3. Ask ridiculous rhetorical questions to which you already know the answer and which serve no purpose other than feeding your own flesh. For instance, “Can you boys not play together for ten minutes without being selfish and fighting over the toys?!” Clearly for those ten minutes the answer was “no”- were you not paying attention? The next time you are tempted to ask this question you might divert yourself with the following, “Can I not respond to my preschoolers like an adult without resorting to sarcasm like a self-centered adolescent?” It’s not pretty, is it.

Unfortunately I could keep going, but I hate to steal all the good ones. When was the last time you took a long look at your “strategic growth opportunities” as a parent? Or to put it plainly: where you are simply missing it with your kids? What would it give our children if we were passionate about not losing our temper with them. About not belittling their problems. About not failing to engage with them because we are tired or lazy… whatever it may be for you. I’m not saying what if we tried to do better at these things; I’m saying what if we were relentless about them. Call it parental spring cleaning, but I’m ready to take out some garbage. The first step is admitting you have a problem, and I know what mine is (as does everyone who walked by us in the paint department at Lowe’s last week). But if you only take one step, it makes for a pretty lame trip. — written by Sarah Stehlik

NEXT STEPS
Take some time to identify the specific behavior that needs to be eliminated from your parenting. Ask the Lord to guide you in this and show you how to “put off your old self… to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God…” (Eph 4.22-24) Come up with clear goals that your spouse or friends can hold you accountable to. Find a good book to encourage you along the way. You can visit our blog HERE for a list of books recommended by the Family Ministries team.

If you have preschool children, have you signed up to receive the Starting Blocks PlayBook? It’s an easy way to build on what they are learning at church on Sundays with projects and activities you can do together with other moms or just with your kids at home. Sign up online by checking the PlayBook box HERE

TIME OUT – 04.10

Once upon a time there was a girl with ferociously curly hair who had a tendency towards being strongly opinionated, which we will instead call “courageous independence.” And one day that girl met a boy (though at the time that “boy” was pushing 30, so “boy” might be a stretch. But for nostalgia’s sake we’ll go with it, ‘kay?) This crazy young couple fell in love, dated for 10 minutes and got married, so that they could live the blissfully ignorant life of ease whereby they did things like go out to eat, go to the movies and sleep in on the weekends whenever they wanted. If there was a fabulous last minute deal on a hot spot in Mexico- great! They went. When they felt like they really needed a weekend getaway they just up and did it, because let’s be honest- life without kids is really stressful and hard since you have no idea what you’re talking about. What I am trying to tell you about this incredibly good-looking couple is that they were crazy about each other and had a ridiculous amount of time to enjoy that fact.

Then there was move across the country and baby number one. Then there was move back across the country and baby number two. Then there was job change and baby number three. Now all of the sudden that “not-too-oldish” yet “not-so-youngish-anymore” couple is neck deep in kids, responsibilities and the realities of life that push and pull at them like a group of toddlers over a single piece of candy. I know you did not see this coming, but I am actually talking about Paul and me.

And we’ve had a really crazy time of things lately around the Stehlik house… everyone was sick for several weeks last month. Then we liked it so much we did it again this month. So there’s the slow descent into insanity that accompanies that whole scenario. Put that together with major changes in numerous areas of life, all colliding together simultaneously and you have the context for me sitting in our kitchen the other day as Paul walked by, and thinking to myself, “He looks vaguely familiar.” So as I was praying over what to write about this month I felt like the Lord said, “you’re the one who barely recognizes your husband… go from there.”

Well, I don’t feel that I need to argue the case that the state of our marriages plays a hugely formative role in shaping our kids. It would seem that every 12 seconds a study comes out validating that point. It is pretty logical that unhealthy marriages do not produce healthy kids. Most of us get that. So it seems the big question is, “How does the energy and effort that it takes to invest towards intimacy in your marriage translate into the craziness of day to day life with kids?” Because let’s be honest, the day to day demands are enough to suck all your energy right out the window well before lunchtime. So here are my big three ideas (and I’m going to get right on these as soon as I finish writing about it.)

1. Prioritize your spouse in your schedule. At the beginning of the week or the beginning of the day, when you are looking at all the things that you “have to do,” make sure you include as one of those “must dos” something done to build into your spouse. It may not cost you $15 in late fees like being late with the water bill, but not serving your spouse will cost you, your spouse and your kids in ways much more important than money.

2. Prioritize your spouse to your children. Do you take the time to regularly praise your spouse in front of your kids for specific things? Do you give your kids consistent opportunities through your words and your actions to see your love and commitment to your spouse? Or are you just two grown ups flying around, each doing a million things and hoping to catch a glimpse of each other over a cereal bowl in the morning?

3. Make the most of little opportunities. Full on date nights or weekends away are terrific, but some seasons of life don’t afford you the luxury of having those super frequently. You can still make the most of opportunities at home if you strategize a bit… plan a late candlelit dinner after the kids go to bed. Use time when your kids are playing at a friend’s house to sit on the couch together and catch up over coffee, instead of you cleaning the bathrooms and him changing the oil. Right now the wives are like, “Yes, Sarah, these are obvious and I can think of a dozen more off the top of my head.” And the husbands are like, “Could you list six more please.” The point is, let’s all get out there and show some effort.

I could go on and on about this, but I’ve got some ground to cover on loving my husband… starting with breaking the news from my new friend, the HVAC tech, that we need a whole new HVAC system. Ahhhh, I can almost smell the romance.

NEXT STEPS
Spend some time in Ephesians 5, asking the Lord to show you how you are doing at modeling the love of Christ to your family. Then plan a time when you and and your spouse can get away together and talk about how to intentionally grow deeper together.

If you have preschool children, have you signed up to receive the Starting Blocks PlayBook? It’s an easy way to build on what they are learning at church on Sundays with projects and activities you can do together with other moms or just with your kids at home. Sign up online by checking the PlayBook box HERE

I tell you what, there are a lot of things in our world today that make parenting easier. In this category I put disposable diapers, dvd players on road trips and high efficiency, large capacity washing machines that clean 3 metric tons of laundry per load with just 6 drops of detergent. (Note to the moms with kick-booty washing machines: don’t be afraid to pause here and do a little dance of joy over that part. I know you want to. And it’s ok.) But, there are also things about our world that make being a parent more complicated and challenging. I am thinking specifically about the overwhelming communication overload that we face. In today’s culture we are inundated with non-stop messages in ways people have never experienced in human history. With the ever-growing empire of media and internet, there are countless voices speaking to us on every issue we face, and their messages are often conflicting and confusing.

The olden days were much different. And I believe that is the first time I have ever used the word “olden.” I imagine a few hundred years ago parenting consisted primarily of whoopin’s behind the barn and putting an axe in the hands of a child and making them chop wood. I’m not gonna say these were the golden ages of parenting, but they did have something going for them. I wonder what they would think if they could see the climate today- where, when you have an issue with your child, there are friends, tv and radio personalities, online articles, books and magazines telling you it’s everything from not enough structure to a gluten allergy to a social disorder to an energy blockage due to birth trauma. You might be thinking, “Sarah, nobody believes in energy blockages due to birth trauma” to which my response is, “You obviously have never spent any time in Los Angeles.”

Obviously I am not saying that all this information is bad. For the love of Pete, if your child has a gluten allergy, do not feed them gluten. What I am saying is that there are a ton of voices speaking into our world, and it is our responsibility to listen discerningly as we purposefully live by the singular voice that creates and sustains, that never changes or misleads, that speaks to us with unfailing love and absolute authority.

We can sometimes be deceived into thinking that there are all these decisions that are not spiritual decisions, choices that don’t involve Biblical principles so much as just common sense and personal preference. But what you let your kids watch on TV is a Biblical decision. How much money you spend decorating the nursery is a Biblical decision. Where you send your kids to school is a Biblical decision. What you discipline your kids for and how you do it is a Biblical decision. Not that there is a universal, exhaustive rule in Scripture that works the same way for all people when it comes to any of these things, but there is a Biblical voice on all these issues that must be explored or ignored. There may not be a verse in Scripture that says, “Parents, do not let not children under the age of 16 watch prime time television,” but Philippians 4:8 speaks. Psalm 101:2&3 speaks. Ephesians 5:11&12 speaks.

So here are a few questions to ask yourself as a test to see how you’re doing when it comes to living by the Master’s voice: How often is our home governed by God’s Word, as we hold it out to our children and teach them to view their world through its lens in specific ways? How many of our choices and rules in the home are based on our own ideas or the opinions of others, and how many could we explain to our children with a clear Biblical principle? How much time do we spend seeking out Biblical wisdom in relation to the time we spend seeking the advice and counsel from other resources? Our ability to parent wisely will not rise above our faithfulness to open His Word and apply its wisdom to our families. The only exception to this might be for those of you who are perhaps experiencing energy blockage due to birth trauma as an infant– no, not really. I am just kidding.– by Sarah Stehlik

NEXT STEPS

If you are not utilizing the Journey as a family, start now! Watermark Family Ministries has included discussion questions to help parents with younger children engage over the daily passages from the Gospels. You can sign up at jointhejourney.com.

What I am about to tell you may shock you, but I swear it is true. We recently took our three boys to a pizza/play restaurant for the first time. Yes, five years into having kids and we have never made a visit to the Mecca of the Great Mouse. Despite this our kids still speak of him with great familiarity as “Chuck E. Cheese, proud sponsor of PBS kids.” (TV time cut in half now.) Anyhow, we still have never seen Chuck, as our recent visit was to his good friend Peter. Peter Piper to be precise. Let me tell you how amazing this adventure was…

There was no special reason for this wondrous treat. It was just a plain old Tuesday night turned into magic family fun time. They were rescued from the cauliflower and red lentils on my menu for the evening, so that they might feast on pizza. And when their cheese pizza mistakenly came out with mushrooms on it, did they have to eat it? No! Did they even have to pick the mushrooms off? No, because although I assured the kind pizza chef that we would be happy to pick them off, he still made them a new cheese pizza anyway. The night was everything it should be at a place like that… Glittering tokens. Precious pink tickets. The most unsafe game of skee ball I have ever witnessed, whereby skee balls were launched into surrounding game machines, as well as ricocheting back on us so violently that we barely escaped without head trauma. I am trying to tell you, these were GOOD times, people. And of course, there was the grand finale, when the boys eagerly traded in their tickets for inexplicable things, asking first for some outrageous item like a remote control helicopter. But upon finding out their 44 tickets didn’t quite cover the 10,000 needed, they settled happily on a two inch tall purple ninja which, after all, is “what they’ve always wanted!”

So you might be thinking, “Wow, Sarah, with all that unmerited wonder and amazingness, I bet your kids showered you with ‘thank yous’ til you could hardly stand it.” I’ll admit, I actually was subconsciously expecting to get a little bit of royal treatment from our boys, so imagine my disappointment on our way home when our three year old said, “What are we going to do when we get home? Can it at least be something fun?” I’m sorry, were we just scrubbing toilets or were we not in the seventh level of his personal heaven? And instead of overflowing gratitude the response was pretty much just “I’m ready for more.” Well. My husband did a very admirable job of explaining why the last several hours had supplied us with more than adequate fun for the evening, while I resisted the urge to launch into a “do-you-know rant.” You probably know what I mean… DO YOU KNOW how many kids would love to blah blah blah? DO YOU KNOW how much mommy and daddy did for you blah blah blah? The do-you-know rant is one of my more obnoxious and ineffective parenting techniques. Do I really think my three year old can know the scope of his extravagant abundance relative to most children in the world? Can he know the extent to which his mom and dad have reordered the entirety of their lives to accommodate his physical, spiritual and emotional needs? And in reflecting on the incident and my urge for a do-you-know rant, the Lord reminded me of some important things.

First, there’s the absolute reality that “DO YOU KNOW…” will never set me and my child up for meaningful, edifying conversation, what with it being so hard for them to hear anything over the noise of my superiority complex. But there’s also this fundamental flaw: the do-you-know rant presumes certain knowledge would have produced corresponding actions. But the Bible says, “out of the overflow of the HEART, the mouth speaks” – not out of the overflow of the mind. Paul’s teaching in Romans 1 is consistent with this principle. He talks of those who KNOW the truth, but instead of ordering their lives according to it, they simply suppress it so that they can carry out the desires of their dark hearts. So the “DO YOU KNOW” rant is both ineffective from a communication standpoint and flawed in its very premise.

But this is only where the Lord started with me. Of course, you know He got personal with it. He reminded me about my shopping trip several weeks ago when I bought a few things for myself. For the week that followed, do you know what preoccupied me? (Next stop, moment of embarrassing honesty.) I kept thinking how I would like to have several other new things as well. In a store seeing some pair of great boots or passing a woman with cute jeans, my thoughts went straight to, “I sure would like to have a pair of those too.” So as it turns out, I am still capable of impulses on par with the maturity of my three year old. I have so much!! But more would be nice. Gross.

So, I had to ask myself, “how much gratitude do my kids see me overflow with on a daily basis?” I don’t just mean the autopilot “thanks” when they clear their dinner plate from the table. I mean “overflowing with thankfulness” like Paul tells us to be in Colossians 2:7 because of the strength of our roots in Jesus. Not overflowing with things that make me comfortable. Not overflowing with the productivity of supermom. Overflowing with thankfulness. I want to overflow with thankfulness because I have tasted and seen the goodness of the Lord and know my refuge in Him brings incomparable blessing (Ps 34.8). And I want them to learn to live like that. I can teach my kids to say thank you, but that’s nothing more than manners. I think true thankfulness is pretty much a lost virtue in our culture. We, of all people, need to bring it back.

NEXT STEPS
Ask yourself and maybe even your spouse or kids questions like, What do I overflow with? How consistently do I express gratitude to others?
Consider starting a journal of things you are thankful for. Keep it in a place accessible to everyone so that each family member can enter their contributions throughout the next few weeks. Then spend time at your Thanksgiving meal reading it together.

An Opportunity to Connect and Worship with Your Kids!
Join us on Friday (tonight), November 20 from 7:00 – 8:30 pm for our first-ever, Watermark Family Ministry worship experience – LIVE! Grab the whole family and join us as we play, sing, have fun, worship and talk about finding hope in our relationship with God! Specially designed for kids Kindergarten – 5th grade, but all ages are encouraged to attend! Registration and details are available at at watermark.org

If you have preschool children, have you signed up to receive the Starting Blocks PlayBook? It’s an easy way to build on what they are learning at church on Sundays with projects and activities you can do together with other moms or just with your kids at home. Sign up online by checking the PlayBook box HERE

TIME OUT – 11.09

Do you know what scares the Krispy Kremes right out of me? It’s thinking about raising boys in today’s culture. The fear- I mean the real fear- first gripped me when I was pregnant with our first son. I drove weekly by a billboard for a boot warehouse that enraged me. Boots, you ask? Yes. Clearly, what more logical way to sell work boots than by putting them on a scantily dressed woman who wouldn’t be caught dead wearing them in real life… unless nearly naked and having her picture taken- then, by all means. Then there were the hamburger joint commercials with spokesperson Hugh Heffner, declaring his love of the menu diversity- “because nobody wants the same thing every night.” Then there are the magazines my kids pass in the check out line at the grocery store. In any other context the picture would be porn, but somehow the exercise-related title of the magazine is supposed to make me say, “Oh, I thought it was porn, but it turns out to just be about my health and well-being.” I wouldn’t ordinarily be comfortable looking at the person standing behind me in line if she were only wearing her undergarments. And there’s a fair chance she would perhaps be arrested under such circumstances. But thankfully, instead of actual near-nudity, we have only a photograph of it, which is TOTALLY different, and by “TOTALLY different” I mean “virtually the same.”

So there’s my fear. Probably on some level you can relate. Counter-cultural purity is a challenge for every parent, and if we’re honest, one that God’s people as a whole have not been experiencing overwhelming victory in. I remind myself sometimes, when I drive by the sign for the restaurant we will never visit for family dinner, “The power of Jesus is greater than the power of that billboard!” So why then are so many of us and our children falling under the power of the billboard (what it represents) and unable to stand firm in the power of Jesus to “live a life worthy of the calling we have received”?

Pretty big question for such a little newsletter. But here are my ponderings before the Lord on this. We hear so loudly the Christian call to our kids to stay away from sexual immorality. Biblical command. Necessary exhortation. But I think back to my coming of age years… many were the clear calls to abstain from ungodly behavior. FAR fewer were the calls to what I SHOULD be pursuing for the sake of Christ and His kingdom. I wonder if we are often doing little more than substituting PG alternatives for the R rated world surrounding our kids. Instead of graphic movies we encourage our kids to watch clean, appropriate ones. Instead of TV shows that promote teenage sexual activity we only let them watch shows that are more wholesome.” Instead of parties where drinking and other irresponsible behavior will be going on, we have them throw their own party where more innocent fun can be enjoyed by all their friends. Not that there is anything wrong with watching a good movie or having fun with your friends… but is this what the kingdom of heaven is about? Is this only what Christ is calling them to? To watch cleaner TV and show more restraint in their physical dating relationships than their secular counterpart? When it comes down to it, are we letting our kids buy into the premise that life is about what we want and enjoy as long as we don’t go against any “Biblical standards”? I am convinced that the power of that mindset is grossly inadequate to overcome the power of the “billboard.” The Biblical standard is that life is about dying to ourselves to live for the glory of God. And when we see that truly- actively- lived out, its power is limitless.

 In thinking on this topic of staying pure in a corrupt generation, I thought of James 1:27, where James says one part of pure and undefiled religion is keeping yourself uncorrupted by the world. Do you know the other part he mentions in that verse? Caring for widows and orphans. Actions rooted in the exact opposite of our own needs and wants. I don’t think these particular two components of religion are unrelated to each other either- one fuels the other. The more we walk in the steps of Christ who gave himself to those who had nothing, the more beautiful we realize Him to be. And the more we treasure His beauty, the less alluring the darkness of the world is. And the more we distance ourself from the darkness of the world, the more we desire to live like Christ and give ourselves away to those in need… but maybe you are thinking that caring for widows and orphans doesn’t sound like a very “kid” thing to do. I felt a little of this too at first. It sounds more like an adult responsibility. But let’s be honest- does it seem like the majority of adults who know Christ prioritize caring for widows and orphans- the least, the last and the helpless? Some may argue that this part of pure religion falls mainly to those with the “gift of serving.” Except God’s anger with His people collectively in Isaiah 58 centered on their neglect to care for the poor, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, free the imprisoned, to spend THEMSELVES on behalf of the needy, etc… Maybe He knows something about where the power is found to overcome the corrupting draw of this world. And maybe it doesn’t have too terribly much to do with the way a lot of us order “our” world and what that communicates to our kids. Yikes. That sounded a bit harsh. But what if those of us in the church started our week by saying, “The gospel must be preached to the poor. The hungry must be fed. Jesus’ grace and hope must be held out for the oppressed, the homeless and the needy. How can I pour myself out for that this week?” These are the things in Isaiah 58 the Lord says lead to our light breaking forth like the dawn, our godliness leading us forward, the renewal of our strength and God’s continual guidance. We are very busy. We have jobs, goals and financial responsibilities. But what might happen for our families if we redefined our lives based on what is important to God? These are big things to say, I know. It makes me think of G.K. Chesterton’s famous words, “Christianity has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult and left untried.” God is calling our kids to something so much greater than mere moral restraint or PG ways of enjoying themselves. What are we showing them of that kind of life?

If you attended the Family Ministries Training Camp in August, you no doubt heard Deuteronomy 6 referenced: “…Repeat [these commands] again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up.” I love these verses. So clear. So purposeful. So practical. However, there is a small disconnect for me that creates a dilemma. Subconsciously, when I envision these verses being lived out in a wonderfully nurturing, Christ-centered home, I picture something like this: a father – unfatigued from his day at work, eager and equipped to engage his children in meaningful ways from the time he returns home until he tucks them snugly in their beds. I picture a soft-spoken, unshakable mother – tirelessly instilling Biblical truths, calmly redirecting her children’s erroneous behavior, undaunted and undistracted in her conviction of her calling. I picture children, on a quiet walk through their neighborhood with their parents, listening with eager little ears… “Tell me again, Dad, how I could better respond to my brother when he takes my favorite airplane from me… Oh yes, that makes much more sense than my rude words and selfish desire to grab it back.”
On the other hand, this was us two weeks ago, during some intentional Deuteronomy 6 time, talking about God’s character and truth:

ME (passionately paraphrasing Isaiah 40 for 10 minutes): Did you know that the Bible says God calls the stars out like an army and knows them all by name? Did you know that He is strong enough to hold this whole world together and that He wants to give us some of His strength?

NOAH (just as passionate): Mom, some day will you take me to Dairy Queen??!!

Ok. I have no response to that. Except, I’ll admit a D.Q. Blizzard did sort of sound good. But let me take you to another of our Deuteronomy 6 moments recently, whereby I took the three boys to our neighbors’ houses, inviting them to partner with us in collecting food for the Stuff the Truck drive at Watermark. I believe it was our third house, where we were invited in. While we there, I was explaining to my neighbor (whose name I barely know) how we believe part of knowing and loving Christ is caring for people and meeting their needs – just like He met our greatest need – while my children stood beside me, learning how to engage people with the Gospel, demonstrating to our neighbors how blessedly behaved children can be when they are raised by God-fearing parents. Wait! Scratch that last part. Actually, while I talked with my neighbor, my children were inexplicably chasing each other, screaming through his house (when I had prepped them beforehand to stand with me like big boys while we were talking), jumping on his couch (which they aren’t even allowed to do at home), and I can’t be sure, but I am pretty confident one of them called my neighbor “Mr. Stinky Pants.” It could have been “Mayor Stinky Pants.” There’s no way to know for sure.

Do you see my dilemma? (You probably see a few at this point.) Deuteronomy 6 FEELS a lot different in real life than it SOUNDS like on the page. It doesn’t sound like a battle, but it is. It is a battle for the hearts of my kids. It is a battle against my craving for something more entertaining than what “again and again” (Deut 6:7) feels like. It is a battle to believe that Isaiah 55 is true and that God’s Word will unfailingly accomplish His purposes, even though I may not feel immediate fruitfulness as I plant it in the souls of three young boys. It may not feel fruitful sometimes, but it is a more sure bet that there will be no fruit if I don’t plant at all. Or if I just plant when I feel inspired to. Or if I plant when I get my housework and errands done. Or when the kids are all at optimal cooperativeness. He says “again and again and again” is what it takes. So let’s all get out there – say a little prayer that He gives my neighbors some sort of divine amnesia for the sake of the Gospel – and plant seeds of truth in our kids. Again and again and again and…

NEXT STEPS

Applying Deuteronomy 6:6-7
In what ways can you be more intentional with the time your family spends – in the car together, around the table at meals, texting each other, starting the morning together, as you end the day and go to bed? Do you utilize a devotional or go through the Journey together? How can your family regularly connect over God’s Word?

If you have preschool children, have you signed up to receive the Starting Blocks PlayBook? It’s an easy way to build on what they are learning at church on Sundays with projects and activities you can do together with other moms or just with your kids at home. Sign up online by checking the PlayBook box HERE

(If Not, Let’s At Least Help These Crazy Kids Along.)

When I was growing up, the idea of arranged marriages seemed like a horrible, cruel tragedy, tantamount to burning someone alive at the stake. Now, as a parent, I think, “I could totally be on board with this.” Of course, I wouldn’t really let myself be that creepy controlling (probably), but you know what I mean when I say this. You have the wisdom of the ages and the experience of a lifetime- they have hormones and Hollywood. You have perspective that sees beyond the fleeting years of youth- they often don’t see beyond the next five minutes. Consider this story, as relayed to me by Grant MacQuilkan, loving father of a wonderful teenage son…

“Hey, Dad, my black pants don’t fit me.” Context: It is 6:50pm and he has to leave at 6:55pm to pick up his girlfriend for Winter Formal. (No doubt girlfriend has shopped forever for the right dress and been getting ready for 3+ hours.) We now establish that the only pants that do fit him are his nasty khaki pants that barely belong next to a pair of jeans, let alone a formal dress. His black blazer, now essential to cover up the khaki tights, looks like a straight jacket and cannot cover the brown belt (black one is too small). “Do you have money to take her out to eat?” I ask. “AhDunno.” “Well, where are you taking her to eat?” Again, the “don’t worry, Old Man, chill: everything is cool!” response…

I just love this story. It cracks me up. If they can’t dress themselves, then what about when it comes to handling the complexities of relationships? Well, I admit I don’t think the highest ideal is arranged marriages, but it seems we are sometimes erring to the other extreme these days. I think of this as the “praying for a miracle” approach, whereby we thank Jesus that He somehow saved us when we too realized our metaphorical black pants didn’t fit with only five minutes to spare, and then we pray like crazy that somehow He does the same for our kids. Clearly I’m not saying that we shouldn’t pray for our kids- it’s one of our greatest gifts to them. I think the loss is when it’s the only gift we give them.

It’s interesting to me that the primary venues for the Proverbs 31 text are women’s retreats and women’s Bible studies. Countless women have poured over these verses, seeking to align their hearts with the Biblical standard of a virtuous woman. Not that I am saying as women we shouldn’t, it only makes sense that we would; however, my point is Proverbs 31:1, “The sayings of King Lemuel contain this message, which his mother taught him…” This text was foremost a mother’s instruction to her son, wisdom from a parent who realized that her young son would need some very clear instruction and guidance if he was going to be able to discern between what was truly worthy character and what might otherwise naturally draw his interest.

I know the parent-child dynamics get more complex as years pass and kids become teenagers and sense the nearness of adulthood. I was very much that teenager… the one who was completely confident in my ability to know pretty much everything about everything… the one convinced my parents didn’t know as much as they thought they knew about my circumstances. How many parents have felt this from their kids? I guess my plea is: don’t buy it! Kids need guidance from their parents, whether they’re six or sixteen. I don’t think King Lemuel’s mother was pleading with him to consider the extensive depths of virtuous character in choosing a wife when her son was four. Certainly, instruction begins in the earliest years, when seeds of Christlike character are sown and virtue is modeled and prized. But as they get older, they need, in many ways, more – not less – from us.

I am surprised sometimes to hear parents talk, for example, about how thrilled they are that their son found a Christian girl to date… as if this were the pinnacle of all they could hope for. It is only the beginning of what to hope for. Are we, with every year, taking our kids deeper into the richness of life with Christ? Are we continually unfolding a Biblical vision for His purposes in their lives that reveals to them the magnificent scope of His mission and calls them to a far greater passion than what the culture is offering them? We not only have the right to do this as their parents… we have the responsibility.

Spend some time with the Lord, asking Him to show you how you can pursue connecting with your children in a way that draws them to the life Christ desires. Ask Him to show you specific ways that you can guide them to make wise choices in their daily lives. Consider a Bible study through the Proverbs with your kids. Don’t be fooled into thinking you are anything less than one of God’s greatest instruments in their lives- not “even” if they are a teenager. Especially if they are a teenager.

TIME OUT – 8.09

Do you know what I heard a lot when I was growing up? “You’re ok.” You know what I’m talking about: you fall down, scrape your knee and start crying- “You’re ok.” You fall off your bike in front of your friends and start sulking off- “It’s not a big deal, you’re ok.” Now, I completely understand the thinking behind this approach. When I fell off my bike and scraped my knee, it truly wasn’t the end of the world, and in the scheme of things I really was going to be fine. But do you know even to this day what my first response usually is when my husband asks me what’s wrong? Take a guess. I may have been on the verge of tears all morning and clearly bothered, but my default response is, “I’m ok.” Now, before I go any further, I would like to say that my parents are wonderful people. I love them dearly, and as an adult, I take full responsibility for needing to learn to say profound things like, “I’m sad” when I am sad But my point is, I think often times as parents we miss a valuable step in teaching our children the art of communication.

It seems to me we often skip the part where we help our kids learn the language to express how they feel about what they have experienced. It starts in the very beginning with even little things. For example, when my toddler falls out of his chair at the breakfast table, I can either try to bring a quicker end to the howling by giving him the “you’re ok” pep talk, followed perhaps by the “you’re so tough” affirmation. Or I can take thirty seconds to first ask him, “Did that hurt?” “Were you a little scared to fall out of that chair?” “Where did it hurt when you fell?” “Yeah, I can see why you’re a little upset. You know what though, I think you’re going to be ok…” It may sound like a very small, insignificant difference, but here’s why I don’t think it is. As adults, we have these wonderfully large perspectives, by which we know that the majority of the daily upsets and dings our kids experience are not really big deals. But children, with their wonderfully small perspectives, are not aware of this. And I think it’s a gift to little ones, to give them a moment to feel like little ones before we ask them to function within our adult perspective. It’s a bigger issue than the momentary sting of hitting the breakfast room floor. It’s creating a relationship where your child knows you care about how they feel, that it is ok for them to feel the way they do, and that you are there to help them handle their experience.

I recently found myself battling this with Noah, our five year old. He had been working with his legos (aka, the most valuable treasure in all the earth) at the table for some time and erupted in frustration as he failed to get the pieces together just the way he wanted. What I was tempted to say was, “They’re just legos.” Translation that even a five year old understands: “Legos don’t matter. You’re making a big deal about nothing. You shouldn’t be upset.” But legos do matter to him. And he’s not a weirdo for feeling that way- he’s just a five year old boy. Why would I make him feel like he was wrong for feeling like a five year old boy? It’s a much richer conversation asking him why it upset him and listening to him talk about how he’s not ever going to be good at building things. And in asking him more about that, I can help him understand that he thinks it makes him special to do things perfectly. And from that we can talk about how nobody can be perfect, only God is perfect. We can talk about things like the role of perseverance, and how we develop skill through practice. We can talk about how it’s ok that we aren’t the best at everything- we just need to be who God made us to be. And that best of all, we aren’t special and precious to God because how good we are but because He made us and loves us.

We best open up their hearts and minds to true perspective when we also help them understand and communicate their own perspective. Every kid, from toddler to teenager, wants to know that their parent understands what’s going on and cares about what’s going on. It’s an interesting dynamic for carrying out the Biblical call to bear one another’s burdens. Are we helping bear our children’s burdens or just convincing them that they aren’t burdens to begin with?

NEXT STEPS
Communication BreakDown
As you think about the ages, personalities and needs of your children, how are you doing in shepherding them through the process of understanding and communicating about what’s going on in their world? For helpful insight into the different stages our kids are going through and how you can equip yourself to parent well through them, plan to attend Training Camp for Parents on August 8. You can sign up and get information at watermark.org or pick up a flier on Sundays.
TIME OUT – 7.09

Many of you parents are probably familiar with the popular Laura Numeroff stories, such as If You Give a Pig a Pancake and If You Give a Moose a Muffin. I found their fun, light-hearted tone helpful in processing a morning episode at our house recently…

If you give a Ben a permanent dry erase marker, he’s going to draw on something with it. So you will let him draw on the easel in the kitchen. While you are in the kitchen you will see a stack of papers that belong in the study. So you will take them up there to keep your counters nice and clean. While you are up in the study, you will remember the several emails you received yesterday that you did not reply to. You will decide to take two minutes and reply to some right then so as to not put it off any longer. Two minutes will turn into fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes is a long time for a one year old to draw only on an easel, so he will find other items to draw on. The living room carpet provides a lot of open space for drawing. And chances are- if he finds a big something like the living room carpet to draw on… he’s going to use his permanent dry erase markers on it.

Several things might be going through your head right now, like, “Sarah, he’s 22 months old. Why would you give him a permanent marker to begin with?” or “Fifteen minutes? You can’t leave a toddler alone with so much as a twinkie for fifteen minutes without devastation and destruction. What did you expect?” I know. These are valid points. Who can explain some of the decisions we make? But anyhow, this was an especially frustrating situation to me, in part because we are in the process of selling our house and I have been working more diligently than usual to keep it clean, and I’m pretty sure most realtors would say blue and green artwork on the carpet doesn’t “show well.” Where on earth am I going with this? And an even more pressing question in some of your minds- did I get the marker out?? I hate to turn this into a suspense story, but I’ll get to the second question in a minute. God used this episode in our morning to reveal a little bit about the state of my heart. As I was passionately cleaning the carpet (for a really long time), it struck me, “This is the most passionate I have felt about anything all morning.” Really?? Carpet??? When I came down the stairs and saw the colorful streaks on the carpet, it lit my fuse internally more than anything my boys had done all week. They disobey- I impose a consequence. They fight with each other- I give them the love- each-other talk. They whine and complain- it’s irritating. But my one year old colors on my carpet, and I am fired up!
Maybe I could just chalk it up to me having an off day. But then the Lord reminded me that just a few days earlier I had lost my temper when I walked into the guest bedroom to find that all three boys had taken the room apart and turned it upside down. Not out of destructive defiance or something, mind you. They did it in order to build their “snuggle home” (a small dwelling place made out of everything in the room.) But nonetheless, I snapped at them without taking a moment to think. My husband had to get in my face a little about it that night, “Sarah, it’s a snuggle home.” Seriously, when snuggle homes and colored carpet are the most serious crimes at your house, something is out of line in your heart. When I am more passionate about my kids keeping their room clean than I am about them loving each other, something is tragically twisted. (And I would never say that I am, but we know actions are always more indicative of the heart than words.)
So for me, this episode was God’s vehicle to correct my priorities… to remind myself what matters, what matters most and what doesn’t even make the list. What good does it do to get marker stains out of your carpet (and I did) if you leave your child’s heart stained with a warped view of what really matters in life?

NEXT STEPS
Evaluating Priorities
Ask the Lord to show you where the true priorities of your heart are and what you are modeling for your kids. Ask your spouse, your community group or your kids, if they are old enough, where they see your priorities in your actions.
TIME OUT – 6.09

Why do I say the towel is on the ground? Because, according to my husband, that’s where I have thrown it when it comes to discipline and our youngest child. This was our conversation not too long ago…

Him: We need to talk about Ben.

Me in my head: Shoot, this can’t be good.

Him: Seems like you’ve really thrown in the towel with him. We were so consistent with the other boys when it came to addressing their behavior, and I feel like you’ve just lost steam with him.

Me in my head: [not 100% printable] so Me a few seconds later: I know, I know.

In his defense, he is completely correct, even though his message was moderately irritating. In my defense, I have three children under the age of four and the precious angels have worn me down to a tiny little nub. Because here’s the deal: raising kids is really hard. Perhaps this thought has occurred to you before. Perhaps you can relate, wherever you may be in the process. Maybe you have a teenage daughter who is emotionally destroyed on a weekly basis by whatever you say or do, and you feel like you just cannot go through it one more time. Maybe you’ve got a son who pushes boundaries like he’s getting paid to do it (not that you can get him to put much effort towards the job he is getting paid to do.) Maybe you are one of us poor suckers who’s baby refuses to sleep through the night. No matter what you do. In fact, the more you try to get them to sleep, the less they do. Almost as if- could they be taunting you at eight months old? The answer is yes. Can you survive on this little sleep for this long?
Some people will say, “It’s tough, but it’s just a phase. You’ll be fine.”These are the people who’s babies slept through the night and have no idea how you’re feeling. Ignore them.

Anyhow, this brings me back to my point- raising kids is hard. In fact, it’s too hard. We all find ourselves at times in our journey as parents when we come face to face with our weaknesses and limits. Here’s one reason why we should resist the urge to throw in the towel and, instead, recognize those times as treasures: because God says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor. 12:9) Just earlier today as I was attempting to deal with a grand tantrum my youngest was throwing whilst in the doctor’s office with my other two children, I found myself muttering, “I can’t handle this.” I think the apostle Paul would say something to the effect of, “Perfect! …the ideal grounds for learning to live by God’s strength and not yours.” After all, our adventure in the doctor’s office this morning was just as much about God growing me as it was about me shepherding my kids. Now, what does it take to live each moment, aware of that truth and delighting in God’s curriculum for us and our children? In a word, HELP.

The Family Ministry at Watermark is passionate about partnering with you as you seek to embrace God’s grace in every step of your journey as parents. It is our desire to walk with you as we live with a constant awareness of our weakness and a continual pursuit of His strength to accomplish His purposes for our families. So here are a few practical notes as we pursue this journey together…

- Sarah Stehlik

NEXT STEPS

Is The Towel On the Ground?
Set aside some time this week when you as a parent can evaluate where you are in your parenting journey. Ask some questions like: What am I/ we doing well? Where am I throwing in the towel? Am I  seeking God (through prayer, through Scripture, through community) for specific direction concerning my/our children? Do I have a thorough understanding of how each of my children are doing? Ask God to show you how you can parent more fully out of His strength.