(If Not, Let’s At Least Help These Crazy Kids Along.)

When I was growing up, the idea of arranged marriages seemed like a horrible, cruel tragedy, tantamount to burning someone alive at the stake. Now, as a parent, I think, “I could totally be on board with this.” Of course, I wouldn’t really let myself be that creepy controlling (probably), but you know what I mean when I say this. You have the wisdom of the ages and the experience of a lifetime- they have hormones and Hollywood. You have perspective that sees beyond the fleeting years of youth- they often don’t see beyond the next five minutes. Consider this story, as relayed to me by Grant MacQuilkan, loving father of a wonderful teenage son…

“Hey, Dad, my black pants don’t fit me.” Context: It is 6:50pm and he has to leave at 6:55pm to pick up his girlfriend for Winter Formal. (No doubt girlfriend has shopped forever for the right dress and been getting ready for 3+ hours.) We now establish that the only pants that do fit him are his nasty khaki pants that barely belong next to a pair of jeans, let alone a formal dress. His black blazer, now essential to cover up the khaki tights, looks like a straight jacket and cannot cover the brown belt (black one is too small). “Do you have money to take her out to eat?” I ask. “AhDunno.” “Well, where are you taking her to eat?” Again, the “don’t worry, Old Man, chill: everything is cool!” response…

I just love this story. It cracks me up. If they can’t dress themselves, then what about when it comes to handling the complexities of relationships? Well, I admit I don’t think the highest ideal is arranged marriages, but it seems we are sometimes erring to the other extreme these days. I think of this as the “praying for a miracle” approach, whereby we thank Jesus that He somehow saved us when we too realized our metaphorical black pants didn’t fit with only five minutes to spare, and then we pray like crazy that somehow He does the same for our kids. Clearly I’m not saying that we shouldn’t pray for our kids- it’s one of our greatest gifts to them. I think the loss is when it’s the only gift we give them.

It’s interesting to me that the primary venues for the Proverbs 31 text are women’s retreats and women’s Bible studies. Countless women have poured over these verses, seeking to align their hearts with the Biblical standard of a virtuous woman. Not that I am saying as women we shouldn’t, it only makes sense that we would; however, my point is Proverbs 31:1, “The sayings of King Lemuel contain this message, which his mother taught him…” This text was foremost a mother’s instruction to her son, wisdom from a parent who realized that her young son would need some very clear instruction and guidance if he was going to be able to discern between what was truly worthy character and what might otherwise naturally draw his interest.

I know the parent-child dynamics get more complex as years pass and kids become teenagers and sense the nearness of adulthood. I was very much that teenager… the one who was completely confident in my ability to know pretty much everything about everything… the one convinced my parents didn’t know as much as they thought they knew about my circumstances. How many parents have felt this from their kids? I guess my plea is: don’t buy it! Kids need guidance from their parents, whether they’re six or sixteen. I don’t think King Lemuel’s mother was pleading with him to consider the extensive depths of virtuous character in choosing a wife when her son was four. Certainly, instruction begins in the earliest years, when seeds of Christlike character are sown and virtue is modeled and prized. But as they get older, they need, in many ways, more – not less – from us.

I am surprised sometimes to hear parents talk, for example, about how thrilled they are that their son found a Christian girl to date… as if this were the pinnacle of all they could hope for. It is only the beginning of what to hope for. Are we, with every year, taking our kids deeper into the richness of life with Christ? Are we continually unfolding a Biblical vision for His purposes in their lives that reveals to them the magnificent scope of His mission and calls them to a far greater passion than what the culture is offering them? We not only have the right to do this as their parents… we have the responsibility.

Spend some time with the Lord, asking Him to show you how you can pursue connecting with your children in a way that draws them to the life Christ desires. Ask Him to show you specific ways that you can guide them to make wise choices in their daily lives. Consider a Bible study through the Proverbs with your kids. Don’t be fooled into thinking you are anything less than one of God’s greatest instruments in their lives- not “even” if they are a teenager. Especially if they are a teenager.

TIME OUT – 8.09

Do you know what I heard a lot when I was growing up? “You’re ok.” You know what I’m talking about: you fall down, scrape your knee and start crying- “You’re ok.” You fall off your bike in front of your friends and start sulking off- “It’s not a big deal, you’re ok.” Now, I completely understand the thinking behind this approach. When I fell off my bike and scraped my knee, it truly wasn’t the end of the world, and in the scheme of things I really was going to be fine. But do you know even to this day what my first response usually is when my husband asks me what’s wrong? Take a guess. I may have been on the verge of tears all morning and clearly bothered, but my default response is, “I’m ok.” Now, before I go any further, I would like to say that my parents are wonderful people. I love them dearly, and as an adult, I take full responsibility for needing to learn to say profound things like, “I’m sad” when I am sad But my point is, I think often times as parents we miss a valuable step in teaching our children the art of communication.

It seems to me we often skip the part where we help our kids learn the language to express how they feel about what they have experienced. It starts in the very beginning with even little things. For example, when my toddler falls out of his chair at the breakfast table, I can either try to bring a quicker end to the howling by giving him the “you’re ok” pep talk, followed perhaps by the “you’re so tough” affirmation. Or I can take thirty seconds to first ask him, “Did that hurt?” “Were you a little scared to fall out of that chair?” “Where did it hurt when you fell?” “Yeah, I can see why you’re a little upset. You know what though, I think you’re going to be ok…” It may sound like a very small, insignificant difference, but here’s why I don’t think it is. As adults, we have these wonderfully large perspectives, by which we know that the majority of the daily upsets and dings our kids experience are not really big deals. But children, with their wonderfully small perspectives, are not aware of this. And I think it’s a gift to little ones, to give them a moment to feel like little ones before we ask them to function within our adult perspective. It’s a bigger issue than the momentary sting of hitting the breakfast room floor. It’s creating a relationship where your child knows you care about how they feel, that it is ok for them to feel the way they do, and that you are there to help them handle their experience.

I recently found myself battling this with Noah, our five year old. He had been working with his legos (aka, the most valuable treasure in all the earth) at the table for some time and erupted in frustration as he failed to get the pieces together just the way he wanted. What I was tempted to say was, “They’re just legos.” Translation that even a five year old understands: “Legos don’t matter. You’re making a big deal about nothing. You shouldn’t be upset.” But legos do matter to him. And he’s not a weirdo for feeling that way- he’s just a five year old boy. Why would I make him feel like he was wrong for feeling like a five year old boy? It’s a much richer conversation asking him why it upset him and listening to him talk about how he’s not ever going to be good at building things. And in asking him more about that, I can help him understand that he thinks it makes him special to do things perfectly. And from that we can talk about how nobody can be perfect, only God is perfect. We can talk about things like the role of perseverance, and how we develop skill through practice. We can talk about how it’s ok that we aren’t the best at everything- we just need to be who God made us to be. And that best of all, we aren’t special and precious to God because how good we are but because He made us and loves us.

We best open up their hearts and minds to true perspective when we also help them understand and communicate their own perspective. Every kid, from toddler to teenager, wants to know that their parent understands what’s going on and cares about what’s going on. It’s an interesting dynamic for carrying out the Biblical call to bear one another’s burdens. Are we helping bear our children’s burdens or just convincing them that they aren’t burdens to begin with?

NEXT STEPS
Communication BreakDown
As you think about the ages, personalities and needs of your children, how are you doing in shepherding them through the process of understanding and communicating about what’s going on in their world? For helpful insight into the different stages our kids are going through and how you can equip yourself to parent well through them, plan to attend Training Camp for Parents on August 8. You can sign up and get information at watermark.org or pick up a flier on Sundays.
TIME OUT – 7.09

Although I don’t agree with everything communicated in this message I do wholeheartedly endorse Vodie Baucham’s main message. We as parents have abdicated our role in training our kids for godliness to the church and to our culture and unless there is a monumental effort to recapture our role we will lose the next generation to the culture of the day. Praying that we at Watermark lead the charge in training our kids at home.  You can listen to the message by clicking on the Audio MP3 link below.

Link here

Originally from http://www.fccm.net/

So sorry I didn’t get to blog yesterday.  We had something come up during my time window to blog and I just couldn’t get to it.

So let’s see, Tuesday was another great day of ministry.  There were 5 older men who came to the soccer camp for the day and that was encouraging.  It brought the count up to 7 for the camp.  The TIME local director comes to play and he’s using this time to build relationships with folks.  He met somone today who used to come to the church 10 years ago.  So that was really encouraging to him.

The folks doing VBS at the daycare are having a blast with the kids there.  Several are special needs and our team is loving on them well.  The team is having a blast with the kids.

Our construction team mixed several yards of concrete and got 3 of 5 beams poured.  A great day of work.  The job foreman is quite happy with our progress.  Tomorrow should be a breeze.

Our park ministry went exceptionally well last night.  It was so much better than Monday night.  The games were a blast and the crowd was much more controlled because we basically figured out what we were doing.  Several more kids responded to the call to talk with someone about Jesus.  It was wonderful.

Our body life time last night was a rousing game of Over the Mountain.  Folks are still talking about it.  Add a slippery cement floor, alot of flip flops and about 40 people in a 10 x 15 rectangle of benches and what a recipe for fun.  We gave out the Pescador Award for our Billy Bass actor Reese.  He has done a wonderful job with that part.  We also gave an award for the girl with the “most cement on her” to Cody Jones.  She was a beast under the cement troughs.  Way to go Cody!

Have a great night.  I’ll update today, tomorrow! Gotta go get the troops to bed.

Mark

Well, what an amazing full day of minstry.

The day started with a 6am wake up call and a 6:30 devotional meeting.  Everyone was then set free for 45 minutes of quiet time before breakfast.  And I’m telling you, the food we are being served is amazing.  The three little Mexican ladies do a wonderful job of mixing traditional and American foods at each meal.  And we are really being fed well.

Robbi was feeling much better this morning.  Thanks for praying for her.

After breakfast we loaded up our vans and headed out to three ministry venues.

The construction team moved 40 wheelbarrows full of aggrigate from the ground to the second floor of a church TIME is adding on to.  That’s about 17 buckets of aggrigate per wheelbarrow times 40.  We accomplished that in under three hours.

The soccer camp had a very small turn out, but they had fun with what kids showed up.  We announced the camp at tonights park ministry so hopefully there will be more tomorrow.

The group that went to the daycare had a great group of about 20 kids all under the age of four years old.  What a blast they had playing with the kids and teaching them Bible stories and doing crafts with them.  They had a great time.   There are even a few special needs kids there.

This afternoon we went down town to shop at an open-air mall.  It was pretty hot but we were able to go into stores that had air conditioning…a wonderful treat.

After dinner tonight we went down to the park about a block away and had a wonderful turn0ut for tonights park program.  We played water games, had face painting and tons of bubbles flying.   We performed our spanish version of Billy Bass and friends puppet show and Gary Overman gave his testimony followed by a gospel presentation by the local pastor.  There were close to 80 kids there and that number will continue to grow in the next two days.

Just a few bumps and bruises after the day…the Lord has protected us well so far, please pray for that to continue.

I’m so excited about how our team is responding to the challenges they are being faced with.  It’s great to see the team come together and work together.  I’ll try and attach a pic or two, not sure if it will work or not.

Mark

We are at the end of a long day of ministry and some fun as well.

Our first night had a little bit of adjusting for folks.  Guys were sleeping on the roof of the three story dorm room under the stars.  Getting used to the humidity and the noise and city lights was a bit of an adjustment for sure.  One of our little guys struggled a little his first night away from his mom who is also on the trip but they can’t sleep together.  But with a little bit of coaxing, looking at stars and talking NASCAR with him he was out.

Today we had three Sunday services.  First I led our team with an hour little service which included worship led by Mike Davidson and Robbi Russell.  I was able to do the teaching which was a blast.  This was followed by a service led by our host TIME ministry folks; interns led worship and Rick, their leader brought the message.

In between we mingled with the Mexican church folks who were having their services as well.

After a great meat loaf lunch we took a trip down to the River Walk in downtown Monterrey.  It was a great time of just relaxing and walking along a very clean man made river and sidewalk with serveral places to get wet.  It is very hot, so it was nice.  We stopped and had ice cream or Mexican drinks at a little cafe.

Pray for Robbi, I think she’s suffering from a bit of heat stroke.  I gave her the “Hurly Girly” award tonight for being the first girl to well “hurl” on the trip.

We went to the Mexican church this evening and enjoyed their worship for sure.  The sermon was a little difficult to understand. 

We filled water balloons in preperation for tomorrow evening’s park ministry and then had great fun at our body life time tonight.  The cowboy beat the rock star to start the evening.  And Bill Lisle shared his testimony with us to end the evening.

Tomorrow starts three days of intense and hot ministry.  Please pray for safety from any more heat issues for the team.  We are having a great time getting to know each other and are ready to get going on our ministry days; Monday through Wednesday.

The funnest news of the day was that last night several kids accepted Christ after watching the Jesus Film.  What a joy to see the minsitry that simple movie had.  We served popcorn and juice.  There were probably 80 people here, so it was very exciting to see 11 kids come to Christ.

Please pray for the ministry we’ll be doing in the next several days.  It’s going to be great.

Mark

What a wonderful start to the trip.  Last night we left the church ON TIME and what a great team effort it was.  There was one neigh sayer in the crowd that said that all our stuff would not fit in the bus storage area.  Litterally 20 minutes later it was all in.  What a great effort.

Our first stop was down in Austin where a small group of folks from Austin Bible met us in the Walmart parking lot at 11pm and served us ice cream sundaes.  What  a treat.  Everyone enjoyed the break and grabbed a bite to eat as well.

Our next stop was in Laredo where we switched bus drivers and then headed to the border.  We got there at 4:30 am and unfortunately we were 30th in the bus line.  They said an hour earlier and we would have driven right through the place.   After an hour and a half we were expedited through the check point because we had all our paperwork in order.  They were very pleased.  And then, thankfully all we had to take off our bus was our luggage and not all the ministry stuff we had packed.  So the paperwork and a timely $20 bill and away we went.  SWEET.

We arrived in Monterrey about 10:00 am with our bus driver doing an impressive job of traversing narrow streets and backing a tour bus down an alley to turn around at one point.  Amazing to watch those guys work.  Anyway, we were dropped off at the door of Iglesia Christiana Elim all limbs attached and all noses accounted for.

After a quick cereal breakfast we negotiated putting all our stuff away, got our t-shirts, and made ready for a great lunch.

This afternoon we had an orientation meeting and small groups began touring the area close by, within the parameters given us by TIME.  Many also took the free time to take a siesta.

Tonight we will host the community and show the Jesus Film on the wall, we’ll serve popcorn to the folks and host them to the best of our ability.

Tomorrow is WM Church, English Church, and Spanish Church with a trip to Santa Lucia (a river walk) in town sandwiched in there.

I will check in tomorrow,  please keep praying for the relationships that we are continuing to form today and tomorrow on our team.  It’s over 100 today and long pants are a real bummer, but it’s what we will suffer with as we try and serve this community.   Grateful for your support.  Mark

Well, we leave for Monterrey in less than 24 hours now and I wanted to let you all know who was going on the trip and our schedule so you’ll know how to pray for us on a minute by minute basis…well minute by minute mexico time that is…things don’t always run too close to scheduled times down there.  But we’ve worked on being flexible.  So pray for us when you think of us.

Many of you parents are probably familiar with the popular Laura Numeroff stories, such as If You Give a Pig a Pancake and If You Give a Moose a Muffin. I found their fun, light-hearted tone helpful in processing a morning episode at our house recently…

If you give a Ben a permanent dry erase marker, he’s going to draw on something with it. So you will let him draw on the easel in the kitchen. While you are in the kitchen you will see a stack of papers that belong in the study. So you will take them up there to keep your counters nice and clean. While you are up in the study, you will remember the several emails you received yesterday that you did not reply to. You will decide to take two minutes and reply to some right then so as to not put it off any longer. Two minutes will turn into fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes is a long time for a one year old to draw only on an easel, so he will find other items to draw on. The living room carpet provides a lot of open space for drawing. And chances are- if he finds a big something like the living room carpet to draw on… he’s going to use his permanent dry erase markers on it.

Several things might be going through your head right now, like, “Sarah, he’s 22 months old. Why would you give him a permanent marker to begin with?” or “Fifteen minutes? You can’t leave a toddler alone with so much as a twinkie for fifteen minutes without devastation and destruction. What did you expect?” I know. These are valid points. Who can explain some of the decisions we make? But anyhow, this was an especially frustrating situation to me, in part because we are in the process of selling our house and I have been working more diligently than usual to keep it clean, and I’m pretty sure most realtors would say blue and green artwork on the carpet doesn’t “show well.” Where on earth am I going with this? And an even more pressing question in some of your minds- did I get the marker out?? I hate to turn this into a suspense story, but I’ll get to the second question in a minute. God used this episode in our morning to reveal a little bit about the state of my heart. As I was passionately cleaning the carpet (for a really long time), it struck me, “This is the most passionate I have felt about anything all morning.” Really?? Carpet??? When I came down the stairs and saw the colorful streaks on the carpet, it lit my fuse internally more than anything my boys had done all week. They disobey- I impose a consequence. They fight with each other- I give them the love- each-other talk. They whine and complain- it’s irritating. But my one year old colors on my carpet, and I am fired up!
Maybe I could just chalk it up to me having an off day. But then the Lord reminded me that just a few days earlier I had lost my temper when I walked into the guest bedroom to find that all three boys had taken the room apart and turned it upside down. Not out of destructive defiance or something, mind you. They did it in order to build their “snuggle home” (a small dwelling place made out of everything in the room.) But nonetheless, I snapped at them without taking a moment to think. My husband had to get in my face a little about it that night, “Sarah, it’s a snuggle home.” Seriously, when snuggle homes and colored carpet are the most serious crimes at your house, something is out of line in your heart. When I am more passionate about my kids keeping their room clean than I am about them loving each other, something is tragically twisted. (And I would never say that I am, but we know actions are always more indicative of the heart than words.)
So for me, this episode was God’s vehicle to correct my priorities… to remind myself what matters, what matters most and what doesn’t even make the list. What good does it do to get marker stains out of your carpet (and I did) if you leave your child’s heart stained with a warped view of what really matters in life?

NEXT STEPS
Evaluating Priorities
Ask the Lord to show you where the true priorities of your heart are and what you are modeling for your kids. Ask your spouse, your community group or your kids, if they are old enough, where they see your priorities in your actions.
TIME OUT – 6.09

As I was reading “Revolutionary Parenting” (Recommended reading) last week I was convicted and moved to have a written set of standards for the Kaigler household. It seems a little late, as my kids are 13 and 11, but we are going for it anyway! (Better late than never). We certainly have boundaries for our kids and enforce them as consistently as we can. However, they are not in writing and they are not often communicated unless something goes haywire or a pending situation has disaster written all over it.

I have borrowed extensively from Barna’s book in formulating these and thought they might be helpful as a starting point as you seek to guide your kids toward full devotion to Christ, so here it goes:

1) Always tell the truth
Regardless of the circumstances or consequences; strive to be known as honest, reliable, and trustworthy.

 
2) Never cheat or steal
This brings dishonor on you and disrespects the victim. This includes the sometimes gray areas around testing, and the little “they won’t even miss it” items.

 
3) Always show respect to other people
No matter how you feel about them your attitude and language reflect the love God has for others. The hardest place to practice this is in the home so parents and kids should consistently show respect to one another.

 
4) Help Others
We are followers of the greatest servant who ever lived, Jesus Christ , and should model His example.

5) Control your tongue
Death and life are in the power of the tongue. (Prov. 18:21) See also James 3

 
6) See Conflict as an Opportunity for Growth
Handle it quickly, examine your own heart, and do not judge the motives of others. Only judge their behavior in so much as it affects you personally, your family, and/or the body of Christ.

 
7) Take good care of your body
Your body is God’s temple so eating healthy, exercise, and maintaining good hygiene is important.

 
8) Pursue Intimacy with Jesus and Impact for His Kingdom.
Jesus is in charge of it all and has the final word on everything. The Bible is God’s love letter/instruction manual for life.

9) Work hard in school and pursue excellence as much as it is possible.

 
10) Pull your weight as part of the family
Carry out your household chores with a good attitude and occasionally do more than is asked of you.

 
11) Make sure at least one parent knows your whereabouts at all times.
Even when plans change make sure you get parent approval and they know your whereabouts.

 
12) Accept the penalties of inappropriate behavior
Discipline is not and/or should not be a sign of anger or dislike by those in authority over you but a sign of care and love designed to facilitate growth.

-Kyle